These moments are beautiful. These milestones have taken a trip on a windy curvy road of ups and downs. I'd imagine life will always be this way. My youngest, the baby of the family is on his way to middle school, and I am reminded to not just "Live" but to "Learn" as well. There is no way to describe the challenges our children are faced with, or more so the ache we feel as they grow older, and we realize we can't fix everything. It is then I realize that I never was able to fix everything in the first place, and that is where I have cluttered my own mind full of emotions, that cause me to cry at my sons 5th grade promotion, as if he just graduated high school, or got married. The pressure as a Mother I've put on myself, was never one God intended me to bear.
I watched a sermon today by Andy Stanley which got me thinking about this very day, and the days ahead. In the sermon was the quote:
"Our Fear of not mattering
has the potential to draw us away
from what matters most"
My eyes were opened when I read this! So much... I had to read slowly again...
"Our Fear of not mattering
has the potential to draw us away
from what matters most"
And Again...
"Our Fear of not mattering
has the potential to draw us away
from what matters most"
That is in fact what I've been chasing, a fear of not mattering, and it's blinded me from seeing what is right in front of me, and being able to just live in every single precious-moment, that God has blessed me with.
The day of my youngest sons 5th grade promotion, I balled my eyes out, I just couldn't control it, this was before the ceremony even began, the music played and I just utterly and completely lost it. As the tears streamed down my face, while I tried with all my might to keep them hidden so no one would see, I was thinking in that very moment, that this was somehow my last chance, and I hope that in the first phase of his life I got it right, that I taught him all he needs to know to go into middle school and then high school. Knowing at his tender age I wouldn't be given another chance, and all 3 of my kids growing up entirely way too fast for my poor heart to handle ran through my mind. The realization of how quickly that happens was a lot to take in. It crossed my mind "Do I matter to them? Have I made a difference? Will I know how to make a difference?" In that moment I was overwhelmed with fear, a fear that any Mother who has seen first hand what kinds of things adolescents struggle with, the scary influences of the outside world, and I felt so afraid. So afraid, I could barely breath.
In that same sermon that I watched this morning, I was given some homework. The homework was to answer one question "Where do you need some Breathing Room?"
I guess this blog post is my way of completing that assignment, and realizing I need breathing room from feeling the pressure as a Mom, and to put my trust in the God who entrusted these three unique precious children to me. I was never meant to feel this pressure, I need to fully trust God throughout the journey of the winding, twisting, curvy, uphill and downhill roads of this life.
I choose to see all of these turns as beautiful moments of my life, taking all these moments in, and giving myself the room I need to Breathe, and draw nearer to what matters the most.
Trusting that God knows what each member of my family (myself included) needs and desires, and it's knowing this that I am given the Breathing Room I need.
