Speechless

I don't know where to start. Mixtures of emotions...
knots, ache, sadness,selfishness and peace all at the same time
I just can't go here yet
so for now
I pray and trust in Gods healing power over our hearts.
I thank Him reluctantly because of my selfishness for taking my Papaw home sooner than any of us ever expected.
It's hitting me like a brick!
What is life like without my Papaw? I want to hear Him call and say "Heyyyy Baby" the way he does.
 I want to know he's going to stop by unexpectedly like he always did.
 I want to see that note in the mailbox with his sweet writing sending us treats for the kids.
I want to make that call where I put him on speaker and the kids and I tell him how much we love our Papaw, and  thank him while we all go out for ice cream- his special treat!
I want to watch him carry my son on his shoulders again, play with my daughter on the floor, and talk to me about the end times.
My handsome Papaw who I adored all while growing up will no longer be here on this earth.
The staple of our family, the head honcho- How in the world do we do holidays without him?
Gods whispering in my ear to release him because my Papaw is joyfully in his care,
 I just wasn't ready for life without Papaw yet;
and it is here I rest in Gods loving arms to hold me right here- speechless.