August 4, 2011 Journal Entry
What kind of personality do you want to have in ten years? How might you work on developing that between now and then? Question from Marybeth Whalens August Challenge- click on her name to check out what it's all about.
I have to admit; I have this almost crippling fear of comparisons, and worry over what everyone thinks. No matter how many times I try to keep my kids from doing this same thing amongst their peers; I am reminded it is where I struggle- and I feel quite hypocritish- (lol I just made that up). I hate that honestly I go to my childrens events and am too concerned with me and the people that surround me. People who might see me. I do not know why this is other than some form of insecurity- which I hate having. When my children were born I was confident in my job, the people I spoke to- I think somewhere along the lines the world took over me. What people were wearing, how old or young I look, my hair, my face, how much I lost or didn’t lose after my babies were born. I became a slave to the comparison trap and feel stuck in it every time I am in a crowd. Sometimes I am scared to go to a crowded event- that is sad. I spend a lot of time thinking people around me are better Moms than me, that they may not like me, that I may not be able to start any form of conversation- let alone keep one going. It stems from being so worried about what people think of me that I have become crippled by my comparisons and insecurities- I got sucked into the way the world wants me to think so I’ll buy more- and try more things all with the purpose to please people.
Journaling this today really makes me see just how big of an issue this has become. I just spent the other day at my childrens’ elementary school to do a meet and greet with the teachers. Here I ran into so many people I remember from last year- and I literally felt myself act as if I didn’t know them because I was too afraid to get too close- too afraid of looking like a fool- too afraid of being called the one who has absolutely zero personality. I fear I have no personality compared to others and am deathly afraid to be labeled as that girl- so I stay away. If I really look at it- it is my fear that makes me unapproachable- because I make myself this way- now how am I going to change this exactly?
Well…I’m certainly not gonna go it alone- that definitely doesn’t work. I’m praying for Gods guidance to rid me of this fear- I can’t truly enjoy every single one of my childrens events if I’m solely focused on me and everyone else around me- so scared other people are watching me and forming opinions. – Who cares what they think! I want to truly feel that down to my core. I’m praying that more and more each day the Lord will set me free of this. This entry is about personality – and the personality I want to have in ten years is to be “ME” who God has made “ME” to be; not worried about what others think; but only what He thinks of me. Because this I do know… He loves me very much and that is one promise I know I can ALWAYS stand on. He knows the desires of my heart and that is to be the best wife & mother to my family that I can be. My fear has the potential to hold me back- and today as I get ready to take my boys to their first day of school- I say goodbye to that fear, grab hold of my Fathers hand and enjoy this day to the fullest. Everyday is a gift from God; I don’t want to take advantage of such a special Gift.
Thank you Lord for this realization today!
Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22
My Grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9
“My business is not to remake myself, but to make the absolute best of what God has made”