The Fear of Your Past
2 years ago I attended a women's retreat and sat at a table; feeling a little isolated- okay
I take that back - a LOT isolated.
What I was struggling with; was something that I knew not a soul at that table would be able to relate to. So I kept it in for a day and a half- I hated the feeling; the feeling of alone amongst these sisters in Christ.
I was ashamed of my past; even though I knew I had been forgiven years ago- I was afraid to share what my aching heart was feeling- out of fear of what kind of picture it would paint of me. God kept on nudging me me to share my fear with the table- I kept holding back- until finally I just knew I had to talk to this group about my fear, even though I just knew NOT ONE of them would be able to share anything that would make a bit of difference. I only knew these girls for a matter of a few hours; and to share this??? Why??? I didn't understand- but I also couldn't ignore His voice-
The second I began to speak my heart ached, tears welled up and I just blurted it out, what I had been holding in for so long!
I glanced to my right and my table leader was sharing the moment with me; tears filled her eyes- and God showed me something that I've never seen before- He showed me a piece of her heart
-She had walked my path
-She had felt the same shame
- She had the same fears of sharing her story
and she hadn't even said a word aloud to me yet, I could see it.
That night God knew I needed to see I wasn't alone; and a fear that may seem so small to others, was huge to me, it had been to her too. I desperately needed someone who had walked in my shoes- He knew that and graciously provided that to me; out of the hundreds of women at that conference He placed me at her table.
It was a time in my daughters life; about to enter Middle School- where I knew we would be having "the talk"- I felt like because of my past, as a Mother I had failed her as a good example.
I was 20 years old when I became pregnant with her, not married, and not in a relationship; this all mixed together made me sound like "that kind of girl"; and I HATED that!
At the same time; I was so completely in love with my daughter from the moment I found out I was pregnant- and couldn't wait for her arrival!!! She was also the very reason I fell in love with Christ all over again! Praise God for her; He blessed me beyond measure!
When she was 18 months old my husband swooped into our lives; and made us a family- God is Amazing! My husband has loved her from the day he met her; took her in his arms as his very own- He is her Daddy!
I never thought about "The Talk" until she became old enough to have it; I was SO SO SO afraid to talk to her because it would show her why she has 2 Daddy's and it would change her picture of me from Mommy to Trashy. I'm being completely honest these are the feelings I was struggling so hard with; and I had been praying for God to show me what to do:
And He provided me with my table leader; who walked in my shoes- gave birth to an amazing now teenage Son after a one night stand; later her now husband swooped into their lives and made them a family too.
How amazing is that? God heard my prayers! Here I sat watching this beautiful Woman of God share her testimony with all of us at the table- not once did I think of her as "that kind of girl"- she was beautiful!!! She was fearless; because God taught her that her testimony would speak to many women- myself included- and she listened!
I will never in my life forget that night!
It was the night God showed me I had to be real to my daughter, no matter how hard it can be to share something so sensitive about my past. I had to be real; like the woman from the retreat was to me- so my daughter could see Jesus; just as I saw Him in my table leader that night.
He gave me peace, and an overall vision of why sharing this non sugar-coated journey I've been on with Him thus far is so important-
especially to my children. ;)
My testimony is Gods' gift to me; it shows how He has changed my life- this testimony is a gift to share His love for others- I am not ashamed of my past any longer- I have been forgiven!
But my past was never meant to be buried but shared.
The more I look at so many different stories in the bible, the more I realize all these stories involve things to be ashamed of:
Heres the key:
We get to see the Power of God in all of them.
Yes, He buried our sin along with Him on that cross so we can have freedom in no longer being condemned-
and in that freedom being exposed gives me the opportunity to have the Power of God revealed in my story too!
Don't Fear your past, it is a vital testimony for your children,
and for that someone who needs to hear they are not alone.
31 Days of Fear Free Mothering:
Day 1 - When Fear Sets In
Day 2- It's Not Personal
Day 3- The Fear of Your Past
Day 4- Day 5- Day 6- Day 7- Day 8- Day 9- Day 10- Day 11- Day 12- Day 13- Day 14- Day 15- Day 16- Day 17- Day 18- Day 19- Day 20- Day 21- Day 22- Day 23- Day 24- Day 24- Day 25- Day 26- Day 27- Day 28- Day 29- Day 30- Day 31-